In Remembrance

Writing is hard to get to these days.  Wife.  Mom.  Full time church employee.  Full time student.  Friend.  Life is busy and writing, at this point, is pretty near the bottom of the priority list.  However, on a day like today I decided to pause and reflect on a very personal and emotional journey that God took us on just over a year ago.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  For those who have lost a baby, they will readily tell you that there need be no "special" day in which to remember these little ones.  The memories come all the time.

Just over a year ago we lost a pregnancy in the 10th week.  It was one of the most painful experiences my husband and I have ever walked through.  My heart broke in a way I did not know it could.  The searing pain of loss was so heavy upon me at times, that I felt I could not physically breathe.  In those short 10 weeks I had my blood drawn 6 times and had 3 ultrasounds.  Things hadn't looked right from the beginning.  Yet even knowing that loosing the baby was a very real possibility it did not help dull the pain that came when that last ultrasound revealed a miscarriage.

The thing is, when I think back upon that time, the pain and loss isn't the first thing I think of.  Rather, I remember the sweetness with which the Lord cared for me in the midst of my pain and broken heart.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in Spirit. Psalm 34:18

I experienced this verse first-hand. God poured out his unending loving kindness upon my husband and I during our time of pain and loss.  He sent me, through our physical family and our church family, daily reminders of his care for us.  He gave us peace amongst the storm and hope in the midst of darkness.  I experienced the comfort of my heavenly Father in a way I never have before and for this reason, I am grateful for my miscarriage.

I'm grateful that God allowed me to experience pregnancy for a third time and that I was able to carry that precious life for 10 weeks.  I am grateful for my husband who never once left my side, who prayed with me, cried with me and took care of me after everything was over.  I am grateful for our family who dropped everything to be with us, who brought us meals, helped take care of the girls and prayed for us.  I am grateful for our church family who loved us in such tangible and innumerable ways.  I am grateful for the promises of Scripture that I can now say: not only do I believe this to be true because I believe God's word, but I KNOW this to be true because I have experienced it.

Our baby would have been 6 months old by now.  It's strange to think about how different our life would look if that baby were here today.  But I don't think about that too often or too long because that's not the reality God chose for us.

On this day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance, I honor God for being the Giver and Sustainer of life.  I praise him for being good, wise, caring, sovereign, and faithful.  I worship him for having steadfast love toward me.  I thank him for the 3 children he blessed me and my husband with.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him. Psalm 103:11

To Baby Schrader

-A Poem From Your Mommy-

I never got to hold you,

Or push you in a cart,

But sweet baby how I loved you,

I loved you from the start.

Ten weeks you were with me,

Everywhere I went,

I did my best to care for you,

Because I knew you were heaven sent.

God's plan was not for you to live,

A moment outside of me,

But rather to be with him,

Forever in eternity.

I trust you are in the arms of Jesus,

You see him face to face,

Someday I'll be there with you,

And we'll sing together of his grace.

For it is by grace that he saved me,

He redeemed me and called me his own,

So no matter where he leads me to,

I know I'll never walk alone.

Jesus only Jesus,

He's all I'll ever need,

My precious risen Savior,

I look to him to lead.

So sweet baby on that last day,

When he calls me home,

We'll be together in his presence,

And worship around the throne.

Sweet baby, just one thing,

On that day that we meet,

First, I must see Jesus,

And worship at his feet.